On Monday, February 28, Mike Watt, King of the Low-End Swing and bassist extraordinaire for The Minutemen, fIREHOSE and his own bad self, found himself in an ambulance headed for the USC Medical Center in Los Angeles for emergency surgery to drain an abscess of the perineum that had burst. Jesus fucking ow, ow, OW! If you don't know, the perineum is the lovely patch of skin between the legs and betwixt the genitals and one's back door. When all was said and done a team of surgeons drained more than a quart of fluid from the burst abscess. Like many musicians, Watt's access to decent medical coverage is pretty much non-existent, so his hospital stay was, as he puts it, "econo." Four people to a room with no phone and with only his mom and sister aware of what had happened.

Watt has six to eight weeks of bed duty, and won't even be able to thump the bass while recovering. Damn, Watt! All our best wishes for a speedy recovery. Those wishing to send cards and homemade chocolate chip cookies can mail them to:

Hootpage
P.O. Box 1821
San Pedro, CA 90733
USA

Or email the man at: hootpage@yahoo.com

Got Well Soon, Schuldiner

As reported previously in eP, Control Denied frontman Chuck Schuldiner has been recovering from surgery to remove a brain tumor. So good has his path to better health been, that he released the following statement late last month:

"Metallic greetings!

As usual, the 'rumor factory' has been hard at work. The most radical one had to be that I was dead. It should not have surprised me, but somehow it did. I hate to disappoint those odd people with such an 'overactive imagination' but I am alive and letting the metal flow! I just finished writing the last song for the new CONTROL DENIED album, which is still untitled. Yes, it will crush. 100% trend free. The responses to The Fragile Art of Existence has been really awesome. Thank you for embracing it!

I also want to thank everyone around the world for the incredible support you have shown me. I read the emails and the letters and appreciate your kind words and honesty. I am sorry for the delay on seeing a new press release, but I wanted to wait for the right time and circumstances. I'm settling down here in Florida, feeling good and looking forward to getting busy again with the new record and tour to thank all my metal brothers and sisters in person with some new metal. I will make sure to keep you informed in the very near future through the Nuclear Blast website and other legitimate avenues of information. Remember to always 'support music, not rumors' and, of course, Let the Metal Flow!"

Shazaamm!
Chuck Schuldiner"

Beck Attempts Hara-Kiri with Bass Guitar

One of the most gifted musicians of the Nineties or the biggest pretense for intelligence (you make the call), funk-meister Beck was rushed to a hospital during the last song of his set at London's Wembley Arena recently when he suddenly and most uncomfortably found himself impaled on his bass player's instrument. Beck's spokesperson described the situation thusly: "The song ["Devil's Haircut"] always goes completely apocalyptic, and it was just complete mayhem. Justin picked up Beck, as he often does, but Beck got impaled on the top of Justin's bass." Fearing ruptured organs, Beck was admitted to a private hospital where doctors confirmed he'd only suffered deep internal bruising.

We at eP would recommend that next time Beck tries to disembowel himself he find someone in his backing band who is playing a V-neck guitar, and thus avoid such dishonor again.

L7 Raffle Drummer for One Night Stand

In the best piece of news we've come across in a while, L7 have offered up drummer Dee Plakas for a one night stand when they play the Garage in London on April 15th where one lucky winner will be selected by a raffle. Says Plakas: "I'd do anyone for L7." Says L7: "We're not being hypocritical about rock 'n' roll anymore. Rock 'n' roll is prostitution. We want to give our fans more bang for their buck. England has always made us horny. It has supplied us with masturbation material since we were kids, from Jack Wild to Mick Jagger."

Breakfast is not included. Proceed with caution.

Adios, Moshable!

On March 31st and April 1st, after more than ten years of pushing music to the man, Scandinavia's premiere garage and punk rock fanzine Moshable called it a day by having a blowout party that will include performances by The Nomads, The Royal Beat Conspiracy, The Burnouts, The Turpentines, The Hellacopters, The Flaming Sideburns, Union 69 and Columbian Neckties. And what a blow out! Peter, Lars...all the best!

It's not confirmed yet if any of the bands listed as playing will be auctioning off any of their drummers for a one night stand.

[Click here to read a recent Moshable interview.]

Religious Cult Wants Piece of Shania Twain's Big Pie

The Sant Mat cult counts Shania Twain among their flock. Said cult wants this country vixen to hand over ten percent of her music earnings (reported to be $48 million). Said cult also wants Shania to give up sex. Shania's family are worried about her lifestyle. Says brother Darryl, "She's been turned into a robot." The family are also worried that Shania is losing control of much of her fortune to the cult. Earpollution wonders if she weren't in the cult, would she be losing control of much of her fortune to her family. The Sant Mat laugh at the family's fear and claim that the thirty-four year-old country star will soon "have all the answer to life's questions." Shania's family worry for her safety and fear she's been brainwashed by a cult who also asks their followers to give up meat, cigarettes and alcohol.

Earpollution finds Shania's devotion to the cult both intriguing and titillating, and humbly plead that she instead give herself up to us and join the eP cause. We'd prefer the sex, but we're completely cool with the forgoing of meat, cigarettes, alcohol and family. Let us know.

Students Suspended for Seeing Backstreet Boys

The Sunnybrook Christian Academy of San Antonio, Texas suspended four students in March for violating the school's "strict moral code" when it was discovered they had been to a Backstreet Boys concert. The non-denominational conservative Christian school, which teaches Kindergarten through 12th grade, deemed the music to be inappropriate and the suspension justified, citing their policy against "involvement in inappropriate music or dancing." Administrator Trudie Perez went on to say, "Inappropriate music would be anything that would promote values that would be contrary to Biblical values. We promote abstinence until marriage, so any music that would have any type of sexual content would be deemed inappropriate."

How a bunch of right-wing fundamentalist Christians could equate the Backstreet Boys with sex is beyond us. Wait...I think...ahh, I get it. Kinky. Very kinky, you old dogs! However, this is one time eP sides with the conservatives of Sunnybrook as we feel everyone should be banned from seeing the Backstreet Boys.

Soul Coughing Split Up

After an eight-year career, the members of Soul Coughing have decided to call it a day and focus instead on side projects. Says frontman M. Doughty, "Ricky Martin drove me to such despair that I decided to give up playing music altogether."

Chuck D. Brings the Noise

Public Enemy's Chuck D. recently launched a weekly hip-hop radio program, "Beats, Rhymes and Life," which airs every Saturday at 9pm EST through his website, Bring the Noise. Says Public Enemy #1, "A hip-hop news show is rare and I figured why not start it here. Bringthenoise.com covers all of the other areas of hip-hop and rap programming, and this was the only void left." Bring the Noise also offers a wide variety other hip-hop programs. Check it out, already!

R.I.P. Ian Dury

After a five-year battle with colon cancer, punk rock icon Ian Dury passed away March 27th at the age of 57. Dury was best known for his song "Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll" with his band, Ian Dury & the Blockheads. Organizers of London's 20th annual Poetry Olympics--which in the past has featured Ray Davies and Nick Cave, and this year will see the likes of Joe Strummer--will be dedicating this year's show to Dury, who was scheduled to be one of the headliners. Dury is survived by his wife and four children.

Thieves Are Scum (Jesus Stole My Hotrod remix)

Early on a Thursday not too long ago I received a phone call from my downstairs neighbor, eP's Paul Goracke, asking if I'd seen his car. "Er...nope." Certain confirmation of his worst fears. A week later his newly-purchased auto was found in an alleyway several miles away. The only damage done (besides the considerable mental feeling of being invaded) was the car's interior seats were torn free and nowhere to be found and a pair of ballet tickets were stolen. Earpollution would like to point out to the thieves that the tickets guarantee two seats at the ballet--you don't need to bring your own. Thanks.

Thieves Are Scum (Burning from the Inside remix)

In a month of vehicular misfortune among eP's staff, writer and all-around nice guy Al Cordray sent the following report after returning from a Floater show last week in Portland, Oregon:

"Friday, I traveled to Portland to see two of my favorite bands: Jollymon and Floater. Arriving early, I parked my beloved 'Alice' in a garage across the street from the Crystal Ballroom, venue for the impending show. I paid $5 for parking. It was 6:30 pm, and the doors would not open until 8:30. Having never walked around downtown, I decided to do so, and returned to the garage at 8:15.

Upon entering the garage, I, along with two other patrons (a man and a woman) was engaged by the parking attendant who asked if any of us owned the green truck parked up on the first ramp. After affirming my ownership, he informed me that Alice was leaking gas. Alarmed, I rushed to her side and discovered that she was indeed lightly bleeding her precious lifeblood on to the concrete. I was shortly joined by the middle aged couple, proprietors of a truck parts dealership in Portland, who offered me their card and advised me not to start or move the truck till the next morning, wherein they would give me a deal on a new 16-gallon gas tank, and have their friends in a next-door repair shop replace it on my truck. A friendly gesture, to be sure.

Over the course of the show, I met up with several longtime friends, and procured among them a couch and a blanket until morning. Following the concert, I returned to the truck for a fresh shirt and my pack. My friends were parked one level above. I locked Alice up, and hurried to reunite with them. We left.

Saturday morning, my friends returned me to the garage. While arriving at the building, we noted two fire trucks parked alongside the back entrance of the garage. We parked and entered the old building. Black water trickled down the driveway ramp. I turned the corner, and looked uncertainly at Alice. Her eyes were gone. Her posture hunched forward. Her color, a vacuum.

Alice was almost completely consumed by flame. After close inspection, I discovered that the only part untouched was some paint on the tailgate. The rest was a black, ravaged carcass. Tires, interior, and yes, new engine. A numbing sight to behold, and a tough chunk of carrion to swallow.

Investigators estimated that the fire began at 5 or 6 AM that morning. They told me that one of two scenarios took place:

1. A short in my truck's wiring mixed with gas fumes, 12 hours after the truck had been turned off, to cause combustion.
   
2. Someone flicked their Bic, or a match, or cigarette, and tossed it on the puddle of gas stretched out in front of the vehicle.

Because she was so thoroughly consumed by the flames, they could not tell for sure what really happened. As he was finishing up, the investigator's parting comment to me was that I should get it towed away ASAP so that I wouldn't be charged any more for parking.

Thus far, the most embarrassing item to discuss is that Alice's only insurance was liability. Unfortunately, a complete loss. Thus, I offer to all this apt moral: Include comprehensive coverage on your vehicle at all times. You never know when your asset will burn to a crisp in the space of 12 hours.

• She was named 'Alice' after Alice In Chains, and after that skinny blonde who threw herself off a cliff in Last of The Mohicans.
  
• She had a name because some skinny brunette from Pasadena with a 76 gas station tattoo convinced me that it was a good idea.
  
• She brought me to California from Utah.
  
• She brought me to Washington from California.
  
• She died in Oregon.

We'll miss her."

What's worse was that Al had forked over $2,700 less than a week earlier to replace the engine.

Currently on rotation at eP:

fIREHOSE, Mr. Machinery Operator
Shivaree, I Oughtta Give You a Shot to the Head for Making Me Live in This Dump (dedicated to Seattle City Light)
Sixty Minute Soundtrack, "The Hour of Magic and Loss"
Meg Lee Chin, Piece and Love
Built to Spill, Perfect From Now On
Mudhoney, March to Fuzz
Chuck D. Presents: Louder Than a Bomb
Joseph Arthur, Vacancy
Killing Joke, Extremities, Dirty & Various Repressed Emotions
Pitchshifter, Desensitized
The Mermen, Songs of the Cows
Mogwai, EP+2
Love and Rockets, Earth Sun Moon

Craig Young
Editor, Earpollution