Our illustrious leader is saying goodbye to the glorious shag carpet of Casa Latona, his apartment for the past four years, has been backed into a corner and, while under the white-hot glare of the Stormtrooper interrogation lamp, was told that he will like the new tile and carpet. So, while he's busy thumbing through hundreds of tile and carpet samples looking for just the right combination that will entice and yet still project that resolute and introspective pilgrim of the world vibe, I've stolen the keys to the van and am taking the car out for a joy ride. Honest, Dad, the beer bottles and crack pipes in the back aren't mine. I don't know where they came from.

We've All Got Our Favorites

So, we'll be talking about Curve instead of Pitchshifter. As we mentioned a few months ago, after having turned in their album to Universal, Curve was summarily told, "Thanks, and F-O." Universal, speaking with the totality of their MBA-generated music savvy, had decided that the numbers just didn't add up to actually release this new album. Instead, they were going to simply accept the masters and call the deal done, shelving the record until such time that Hell froze over. Dean Garcia and Toni Halliday, refusing to simply curl up and die like all properly intimidated wage slaves, subsequently decided to express their apologies to the fan-base by self-releasing other material that wasn't tied up in the contract. Entitled Open Day at the Hate-Fest, this collection demonstrates that Curve still has a sound that hasn't been duplicated (though not for lack of trying). The disc is available through their web site, www.curve.co.uk.

You'll all be buying one, right? Think of all the crap music we've steered you away from over the years. I'm calling in some markers. Heck, owning one might even make you the coolest kid on your block. Universal, in an staggering moment of petty jealousy, has since decided that they will release Gift after all. Look for it in September.

Was That A Twinkle I Saw in Your Eye?

While trying to summon up the mental energy to actually get pants on this morning, I was watching MTV and caught a news brief about the release of Steven Spielberg's new film, A.I. Aging industrial godfathers Ministry were on hand with an MTV crew for the film's premier in Los Angeles. Sporting black and white tuxedoes (as well as green hair, the ever-present cowboy hat, and goatees both minimal and overwrought), Al Jourgensen and Paul Barker demonstrated a rather developed sense of wit and conversational timing while mugging with the Hollywood glitterati. We'd like to hope that said spark is a manifestation of their renewed enthusiasm for making bone-breaking, spine-rattling, brain-melting, industrial rock and roll--an enthusiasm which has been steadily draining from their last few albums--and was not just facetious obsequiousness for the sake of their Greatest Fits collection which was just released.

Not Only Not Dead, But Still Working

Reports have been circulating that 'N Sync's Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears were killed in a car crash. Said reports are nothing more than rumors. Both are fine. While we would never condone such wishful thinking about anyone, we would like to hope that the flurry of concern expressed by family and friends to the duo over such a possible demise might have sparked a moment of reflection where they considered just what they were doing with their lives. And such consideration might lead one to ask, "Just what kind of legacy am I leaving behind?"

And no amount of money is going to fill the hole in your soul left by the answer to that question, kids.

Not Only Not Dead, But Still Hooting

Mike Watt, out on tour with J. Mascis and The Fog, recently reported in from Sweden, where he and the rest of the touring group were recently involved in a highway accident. From Watt himself:

"We survived the van crash in Falkenberg, Sweden on Sunday, June 17 at about 10 of 6pm. J. cracked two of his vertebrae but no spinal injuries. He will heal well. I saw him take his first steps yesterday. Tour boss David had a big scrape on the knee that need to be stitched up. George hurt his wrist and it's wrapped up, he was bracing against the dash. Noel, the soundman, who was driving, had scrapes on the abdomen and a sore neck and shoulder. I had no injuries at all. only me and George were wearing seat belts, him in the front passenger and me in the back, driver's side (it was an English right-hand drive van).

"We were on our way from Oslo, Norway, to Bielefeld, Germany, when in Falconberg, Sweden, we tried to pass a vehicle and a vehicle sped up into our lane. We swerved to avoid him, back into our lane and swerved, an over-correction sent us over on our side and we skidded across the highway and hit a cable and post center divider. The rescue people were there just like that, in minutes. They popped the front windshield out to get J. out. We came out through the side door. The side J. was on, sitting back with me. We were taken to a hospital south of the accident in Halmstad with a brand new two-year-old emergency room. The Swedish people were very nice to us and helped a bunch."

eP would like to send a virtual flower bouquet--some nice spring daises and irises--to J. in hopes of his speedy recovery as well as good thoughts to the rest of the band for their continued health. The unstoppable Watt, we're sure, is probably already back on the road.

An aside to Justin and Britney: Don't forget now, buckle up! And really consider taking up gardening, or working with the deaf.

From the "We're Not Sure Where to Start" Department

Two bits of news about U2 from the "Getting Back to their Roots" tour. Bono, in his continued attempt to draw attention to the issue of staggering world debt, invited Senator Jesse Helms to a recent U2 show. The aged Senator unhooked himself long enough from the infernal machinery that keeps him in office to attend the show. Reporting back to the Raleigh, North Carolina, The News & Observer Helms said that "it was the noisiest thing I ever heard. I turned my hearing aids all the way down and kept my hands over my ears much of the time."

The second bit involves a touch of disgrace over a recent filming for HBO of a Boston show. According to the Boston Herald, HBO used U2's security to position the "most enthusiastic" audience members closest to the stage. These MEAMs also happened to belong to another commonly referenced category: the Beautiful People. Because--and here is the thinking that I'm sure swam through the heads of people who were in positions to make such fantastically well-thought out decisions--a U2 concert is like a Gap commercial: if they are young and beautiful and look like they are having fun, then other people (read: who are not young, beautiful, or having fun) will want to partake in the same. Crass Commercialism or an argument that Manufactured Beauty is equivalent to Art in the 21st Century? You can make the decision yourself when HBO eventually airs the fashion show...I mean, rock concert.

We're not above taking the obvious pot-shot and pointing out that the Honorable Senator Helms was probably not in the front row of that show. In fact, knowing the Geiger needle swing that the Senator prefers in his constituency, we're sure that he didn't venture past the Mason-Dixon line in order to lose his rock and roll virginity.

An Aristotelian Distillation: The Good and The Bad

We're going to start a few centuries ago on this one. A long time before William Shakespeare did his series of variations on the Seven Stories Known to Man, Greek philosopher Aristotle argued that there were, essentially, two types of drama: comedy and tragedy. In order to properly deliver the one-two punch that theater so fondly likes to offer up, we'll give you the comedy first. Here's the "How to Sing the Blues: A Primer." This little gem has been circulating through the Internet for who knows how long (we just saw it last week) and, like all good Internet myths, should be credited to Kurt Vonnegut.

1. Most blues begin: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town / Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town / Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch-ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train, blues never go on the northbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the blues. In blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to Get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

   Good places for the blues:

   • Highway
     
   • Jailhouse
     
   • Empty bed
     
   • Bottom of a whiskey glass

   Bad places for the blues:

   • Nordstroms
     
   • Gallery openings
     
   • Ivy League institutions
     
   • Golf courses

10. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it for the last six months.

11. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:
    • You older than dirt
      
    • You blind
      
    • You shot a man in Memphis
      
    • You can't be satisfied

    Not if:

    • You have all your teeth
      
    • You were once blind but now can see
      
    • The man in Memphis lived
      
    • You have a 401K or trust fund

12. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

13. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the blues.

    Other acceptable blues beverages are:

    • Cheap wine
      
    • Whiskey or bourbon
      
    • Muddy water
      
    • Nasty black coffee

    The following are not blues beverages:

    • Perrier
      
    • Chardonnay
      
    • Snapple
      
    • Slim Fast

14. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

15. Some blues names for women:
    • Sadie
      
    • Big Mama
      
    • Bessie
      
    • Fat River Dumpling

16. Some blues names for men:
    • Joe
      
    • Willie
      
    • Little Willie
      
    • Big Willie

17. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

The Punch

Bluesman John Lee Hooker passed away on June 21, 2001. His career spanned over six decades and more than 100 albums. Inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1991, he recently returned to the spotlight when he won two Grammy Awards in 1997. Maintaining a fierce devotion to his roots, Hooker played a lean, mean guitar style that introduced the potential of distortion to many aspiring electric guitarist. "I just got smarter and added things on to mine," he once said of his Delta style, "but I got the same bottom, the same beat that I've always had. I'd never change that, 'cause if I change that, I wouldn't be John Lee Hooker any more."

Born in 1917, he was first exposed to music through gospel songs in church. As he was growing up, a number of blues luminaries passed through his house to visit his stepfather, William Moore. Blind Blake, Blind Lemon Jefferson, and Charley Patton were among the visitors who left the spirit of the blues in little John Lee. The spirit took him over the fence as a teenager and he ran away to Memphis and, while working menial jobs, picked up more of the blues which came to a head in 1948 when he made his first recordings for Sensation Records. Relentlessly over the next five decades, he would record and tour with a lengthy list of collaborators who would take away John Lee's understanding of the fraught desolation and sorrow so inherent in the genre.

Music is a catharsis and, even though he wrote and played songs what would always make him cry, John Lee Hooker always found there was more to give in the music than there was to lament of its passing. Guitarist Carlos Santana says of the late John Lee Hooker: "When I was a child, he was the first circus I wanted to run away with."

Quote of the Month

"No matter what anybody says, [the blues] comes down to the same thing: a man and a woman, a broken heart and a broken home." -John Lee Hooker.

Photo of the Month

photo by mike watt

J. Mascis after wreck. Broken but not beat.

-Mark Teppo
Senior Editor, Earpollution