In response to an American fan's offer to pay Britney Spears £7 million to lose her virginity to him, our favorite techno terrorists Pitchshifter have offered Britney £20 to remain a virgin and, as well, to quit the music business altogether. Earpollution would like to add to the band's counteroffer by presenting Britney with the keys to our beat-up, primer-gray Plymouth Duster upon the singer's exit from the music industry. Having your own car, being able to go out with your girlfriends to the malls and the movies is both a big responsibility and a generous offer for someone of Britney's age. We know that this, coupled with Pitchshifter's aforementioned offer of some spending money (remember, Britney: 20 is always more than 7), just might be enough incentive. If that doesn't work, we'll also speak to your parents about extending your curfew and getting your own phone line.

Britney Builds Dollhouse to Self While Fan Dies

In more Britney news, it seems that, at the request of Louisiana's state tourism council, the singer (and we use the term loosely) will soon be building a museum in her hometown of Kentwood, Louisiana. No word on an opening date, but Britney's parents have already donated some of her childhood items for display. When told of this, Britney reportedly replied, "But, Mom! You just got me that Malibu Barbie last Christmas and I have hardly had any time to play with her!"

And in even more Britney-related news this month, it was reported that a fan of the singer's suffered a heart attack and died last month as she was waiting in a crowd outside a radio station where the "singer" was purported to be doing an interview. It turns out that the appearance was faked to get the station (WMRV-FM) some publicity, and when the woman pretending to be Spears climbed into a waiting limousine outside the station, the fan collapsed and fell into cardiac arrest. The fan was taken to a local hospital where she was failed to be revived. No word if she knew that the person she thought was Britney Spears was not.

Eight Die at Roskilde

In other sad late-breaking news, at least eight people were crushed to death and another several dozen injured during Pearl Jam's set at Denmark's Roskilde Festival late Friday night, June 30. Authorities are still trying to determine what happened, but it appears that the incident might have resulted from speakers in the audience malfunctioning, forcing the crowd to press to the front of the tent. Those up front, standing on muddy ground, slipped and fell underneath the crush. The incident happened remarkably quick and when Pearl Jam became aware of the incident, they immediately stopped playing. The band has subsequently cancelled its remaining two European concert dates, and one can only wonder the heaviness weighing on their brows at the moment.

Situated outside of Copenhagen and one of the largest summer festivals in Europe, Roskilde is an annual music event that has been going strong since 1971. Having had some of our staff attend the event in the past, as well as having friends in Europe who religiously attend Roskilde, Earpollution can attest to the fact that the festival itself is usually a peaceful event where the worst one has to fear is trying to locate their tent at the end of the night. Our hearts go out to the friends and families of those killed and injured.

Seattle Police Investigate "Creepy" 60-Minute Tape

According to the "Police Beat" section of Seattle's weekly alterna-rag The Stranger, a woman reported to police that someone left her a letter and a 60-minute cassette tape in her mailbox recently. Quoting directly from The Stranger: "She played the mysterious tape on her stereo: It had Jimi Hendrix on one side and Lou Reed on the other. The woman called the police, and when they arrived, explained that she was upset about this 'homemade mixed tape' because she didn't like that kind of music--it's weird, and the lyrics are 'creepy.' She handed the officers the cassette tape to keep as evidence, and they handed her a report to keep as an official police record of her musical preferences."

Currently working on their latest installment of the Sixty Minute Soundtrack, Earpollution denies any knowledge of either the woman or the music left in her box. Earpollution's Editor in Chief Craig Young: "Hey, man! I've been in New York for the past several months and Marky Mark's currently engaged!" eP's Fearless Leader also pointed out that "a good mixed-tape doesn't need a letter to accompany it. Obviously an inferior work done by a copycat." Young did, however, compliment the suspect on his choice of Hendrix and Lou Reed.

DJ Shadow Looking for New Logo

According to DJ Shadow's official website, the turntablist is looking for someone to design a new logo that will grace the cover to his new album. Inquiring graphic artists, freelance designers, and master stick figure doodlers should submit a maximum 12 x 14 inch logo by email to: djshadow@artistdirect.com.

Cops Pissed at the Boss

Bruce Springsteen has been receiving an inordinate amount of flak recently from New York's Fraternal Order of Police over his new song, "American Skin," and its subject matter, the obscenely wrongful shooting of Amadou Diallo by New York officers. "He's turned into some type of f---ing dirtbag," said Bob Lucente, president of the New York state chapter of the Fraternal Order of Police. "He has all these good songs and everything, American flag songs and all that stuff, and now he's a floating fag."

Earpollution would like to commend the Boss for continuing to write songs whose subject matter address issues like these, and would encourage Mr. Lucente to take a deeper look at what "Born in the U.S.A." is really addressing.

L7 Gets Breasts Plastered

L7 guitarist Suzi Gardner recently became the first woman to have her breasts cast by Cynthia Plaster Caster, who is best known for her casts of the male libido, including casts of Jimi Hendrix and Wayne Kramer members. Numbered #00001 and #00002, Gardner's breast casts open Plaster's new "T*t Wing," a future exhibition space that the renowned artist is currently working on. Said Gardner: "I'm so very honored to be the first woman to have my breasts pickled for posterity by Cynthia P-Caster. I'm a lucky gal to have my rack hanging in the same room with those rock c**ks."

Pat Metheny Disses Kenny G. for Being a Musical Necrophiliac

Jazz guitarist Pat Metheny has been making some press as of late for statements regarding his opinion on Kenny G's overdubbing himself on the late Louis Armstrong track, "It's a Wonderful World." Here is Metheny in his own words:

"This type of musical necrophilia--the technique of overdubbing on the preexisting tracks of already dead performers--was weird when Natalie Cole did it with her dad on 'Unforgettable' a few years ago, but it was her dad. When Tony Bennett did it with Billie Holiday it was bizarre, but we are talking about two of the greatest singers of the 20th century who were on roughly the same level of artistic accomplishment. When Larry Coryell presumed to overdub himself on top of a Wes Montgomery track, I lost a lot of the respect that I ever had for him--and I have to seriously question the fact that I did have respect for someone who could turn out to have such unbelievably bad taste and be that disrespectful to one of my personal heroes.

But when Kenny G decided that it was appropriate for him to defile the music of the man who is probably the greatest jazz musician that has ever lived by spewing his lame-ass, jive, pseudo bluesy, out-of-tune, noodling, wimped out, fucked up playing all over one of the great Louis's tracks (even one of his lesser ones), he did something that I would not have imagined possible. He, in one move, through his unbelievably pretentious and calloused musical decision to embark on this most cynical of musical paths, shit all over the graves of all the musicians past and present who have risked their lives by going out there on the road for years and years developing their own music inspired by the standards of grace that Louis Armstrong brought to every single note he played over an amazing lifetime as a musician. By disrespecting Louis, his legacy and by default, everyone who has ever tried to do something positive with improvised music and what it can be, Kenny G has created a new low point in modern culture--something that we all should be totally embarrassed about--and afraid of. We ignore this, 'let it slide,' at our own peril."

Amen!

Addicted to Noise Calls it Quits

One of the first great pioneering music webzines, Addicted to Noise will cease publishing in July. Having been assimilated by Sonic.net in 1997, the current loss of the magazine is not much to be mourned over, but it is the memory of Addicted to Noise, first few years as an independent that will be long missed. Started in 1994 by former Rolling Stone writer Michael Goldberg, Addicted to Noise was an online relief from all the one-dimensional mainstream music press, and this writer religiously spent several hours at the first of each month clicking through some amazing interviews, reviews and other writing. As ATN writer Greil Marcus put it: "[There] was a passion and a skepticism, and in some ways that made ATN a real anachronism because it still kept the faith."

Addicted to Noise's memory will be missed, but when you play the Borg game and let yourself be assimilated, it's really only a matter of time before they suck you dry and dump your dried-out husk along some dusty roadside.

Nick Drake Albums to be Reissued

Due to the well-deserved recent popularity of the late Nick Drake (R.I.P.), resulting from Volkswagen using his song "Pink Moon" in a recent commercial, Universal Records will re-release Drake's back catalog, Five Leaves Left, Bryter Later and Pink Moon (1969, 1970, 1971 respectively). An amazing musician, Drake's life and career was short-lived. Suffering for years from deep depression, Drake died from an accidental overdose of sleeping pills in his parents' house in 1974. He was 26.

Pink Moon sold less than 5,000 copies since its release 30 years ago (I've personally owned four copies of it...giving them away to friends and the like); the title track shot to number 5 on Amazon.com's sales charts after the Volkswagen commercial. And while Drake is finally get some long overdue attention, it's a bit sad that he didn't find such well-deserved notice in his time.

Screaming Trees Say Goodbye

It's with a heavy heart that we announce that eP favorites Screaming Trees officially called it quits. Having not played publicly in over three years and having been unsuccessful in landing a label deal and record a follow-up to 1996's brilliant album Dust, the band had quietly decided to call it quits a few months ago, reuniting only for a performance at Paul Allen's Eperience Music Project opening festivities in late June. All the members have been involved in side or solo projects for a number of years, and each plan on continuing with them. The Trees, along with other locals Mudhoney and Soundgarden, helped pave the way for "grunge" and the likes of Nirvana and Pearl Jam. Their influence and sound will be sorely missed.

R.I.P. Tito Puente

"Mambo King" Tito Puente died last month following complications during heart surgery. Puente was best known for bringing the sounds of the mambo and cha-cha to the forefront of music during the '50s, some of his better-known arrangements were recorded by the likes of Santana. Releasing more than 100 records, he had won five Grammys for his music. Puente was 77.

Napster Tells Offpspring to Stop Stealing

In one of the funnier ironies regarding the whole MP3 music thing, Napster, who is currently fending off litigation by Metallica and Dr. Dre for illegally distributing their music via the Internet, last month sent Offspring a cease-and-desist letter demanding that the band stop selling merchandise with the Napster logo on it. Replied Offspring: "It's all fair. We've already said you guys [can use] our stuff--we're gonna do yours, too. You shouldn't have any problem with that, should you?" Napster, realizing who was calling the kettle black, came out with a press release several days later stating that everything with Offpsring was "okay" and that the band could go on and keep using the Napster logo on its merchandise. Nice job, Offspring.

Music Fans Listening Online, Buying Offline

And in related digital news, a study commissioned by the Digital Media Association found that 60 percent of "heavy music listeners"--people who listened to more than 10 hours of music a week and spent more than $25 on music in the last six months--are, according to DMA's John Potter: "Going to the Web to find music that they can't find on traditional radio, and when they find it, they're buying it." The study, commissioned by over 30 companies in the webcasting biz, goes to show what you and I have already known for a long time: Unless you're a college student or work at a company that sits behind a T1 and affords you the time to roam the 'net aimlessly, for most of us the Internet, like radio, is a great way to check an artist out and then decide if it's worth owning for yourself. Duh. Hilary Rosen, did you hear me? Duh...

Craig Young
Editor, Earpollution